PHOENIX REBORN: Chapter 1: Letters
Dear Harry,
Please don’t blame yourself for Sirius’s death - it was NOT your fault, and he would not want you blaming yourself…
Dear Harry,
About what happened at the Department of Mysteries - it wasn’t your fault, mate…
Dear Harry,
I hope you are okay at the Dursleys and remember that Sirius would want you to be happy - don’t blame yourself for what happened…
Dear Harry,
You are a wonderful young man and you have nothing to be guilty about…
All the letters said the same thing. Lupin, Ron, Hermione, Mr and Mrs Weasley - none of them understood. How would they know what Sirius would want; he was gone forever, and would never be able to tell him what he wanted. How could they tell him not to feel guilty and not to blame himself when the only person the blame fell to was him? Sirius was gone.
Numbly, he read the letters through properly.
Dear Harry,
Please don’t blame yourself for Sirius’s death - it was NOT your fault, and he would not want you blaming yourself. He was brave, strong man, and nothing and no one could’ve have stopped him from doing what he wanted to do. Harry, I don’t think anyone can know how you are feeling right now, but you are welcome to write to me whenever you choose.
I can’t take Sirius’s place but I’ll be there for you.
Remus
He was touched by what Remus had said but nothing could comfort him. Instead, the pain became more real. Remus Lupin, Moony, Sirius’s old school-friend, had written to him saying that he would be there for him and that Harry could write to him. Remus should hate him now. It was because of him that Remus had lost yet another friend.
Dear Harry,
About what happened at the Department of Mysteries - it wasn’t your fault, mate. You-Know-Who tricked you - and he tricks a lot of people. I’m going to ask to see whether you can come to us this summer.
Ron
The letter had the look of one that Ron had been told to write, but had not known what to put in it. Ron hadn’t even been there when Sirius had disappeared forever. He would not be allowed to the Burrow for the summer. He was marked, and his safety depended on people he hated.
Dear Harry,
I hope you are okay at the Dursleys and remember that Sirius would want you to be happy - don’t blame yourself for what happened. How are you doing? Everyone’s worried about you. It’s not your fault; Sirius went there of his own accord. Please write back.
Hermione
Sirius would want him to be happy about his death? Harry doubted that. How did Hermione think he was doing? Perhaps Ron and Hermione were worried about him but nobody else was. They weren’t worried about him, they were worried about whether he was up to solving their little dark lord problem. He felt a surge of resentment towards Hermione - Sirius went there of his own accord - he remembered her saying, in the summer the year before, that Sirius was selfish to want not to be lonely…
Dear Harry,
You are a wonderful young man and you have nothing to be guilty about. I know you might not believe us but Molly and I would like to make it clear that no one was to blame for Sirius’s death. We consider you as a son, and although we realise you may need space at this time, we just want you to know that we are always here to listen.
Love,
Arthur and Molly Weasley
He was touched, as he had been with Lupin’s letter. We consider you as a son… Hadn’t Mrs Weasley said that before? There, at least, was a family that cared about him. But the line ‘you are a wonderful young man’ made him laugh sardonically. He had never felt less young, or less wonderful.
He sat listlessly on his bed and stared blankly out of the window, through which the letters had come. The window seemed almost a doorway to another world, where everyone was happy and unaware of his guilt. He was standing on the other side of things now. Pity and sympathy could be extended from that other, blissful world, but he could never feel happy, because he was not entitled to. Whilst Voldemort killed and tortured people, everybody was waiting for him to ‘do his thing’ and rid the world of this invincible evil.
Hatred sang through his veins at the thought of Voldemort. The monster had taken away so many lives - the lives of innocent people. His Death Eaters had destroyed Neville’s family, taken away Cedric - and now Sirius. Even then - even back then, at the Triwizard Tournament, Cedric had been depending on him, Harry, to stop it all…
It was too much to bear, too much to think about. And it was all irrelevant - all that mattered was the fact that Sirius was dead.
A part of Harry still insisted that Sirus was not dead and that he was merely waiting on the other side of the curtain in the veil, waiting for Harry to find him…
The Dursleys had left him alone. He had not been required to do any chores. His Aunt had pretended that his existence was merely optional, and his Uncle had shot him dirty looks but said nothing. His cousin snarled if he came near, but copied his parents in acting that he wasn’t there most of the time. Harry didn’t challenge this. He had spent the past few days into the summer holiday sitting in his room. He had read a little, and eaten less. He had received several copies of the Daily Prophet, and had seen evidence of the growing hysteria within the wizard community.
One headline had left him shocked, staring at a picture of the Dark Mark hanging over a comfortable-looking suburban home. Houses had been attacked. Muggle-borns had been found dead, and worse. This was merely five days into the summer holiday.
Just then, almost as if summoned by his thoughts, an owl dropped through the window, carrying the latest copy of the Daily Prophet. Harry paid the owl and took it.
MOVING MINISTRY
Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic, today announced that several main Ministry departments are being moved to a more secure location following the attack on the Ministry of Magic reported earlier this month.
Minister Fudge, who has been heavily criticised for denying the return of You-Know-Who for an entire year, appeared nervous as he spoke to reporters this morning. “Several departments are being moved from the Ministry building to temporary accommodation for reasons of security,” he said. “Only employees of those departments involved will know the location, and they and their families are being offered accommodation on site.” The Minister would not reveal which departments are being moved.
When questioned as to how the Ministry ignored You-Know-Who’s return for a year, the Minister seemed embarrassed and awkward. “The evidence presented at the time was unconvincing and… well… come on, who would have believed that Lord… you know… was back?”
There have been calls for the Minister to step down in light of recent events but he refused to say if and when there would be a general election.
Harry wondered if Mr Weasley’s department was involved but then remembered that Mr Weasley’s department probably wasn’t considered to be very important. He felt as if he couldn’t really have an opinion about anything anymore.
He forced himself to write replies to the letters. He wrote a nearly identical message for all of them, saying that he was fine and thanking them for their concern. He did not mention Sirius at all. He couldn’t talk about it to anyone, not yet. He didn’t know whether he ever would be able to.
Just then, yet another bird soared through the window. It was Fawkes, and he was carrying yet another letter.
Harry had a good idea whom this might be from. He was momentarily surprised that Dumbledore had used the phoenix to deliver a letter but then realised that Dumbledore was probably trying to give some sign that he still had faith in him. This did not comfort him. Instead, it made him more angry.
The sight of Fawkes, who immediately perched on the window sill and allowed Harry to stroke him, made Harry slightly happier, but Fawkes was inextricably connected to Dumbledore - and the thought of Dumbledore made him angry and bitter. He did not want to open any letters from the Headmaster.
He took it from Fawkes and opened it viciously and quickly, reluctant to see that loopy writing.
Dear Harry,
The mistakes I have made with you are very grave, and I do not blame you if you never want to speak to me again. Sadly, I feel that that might be necessary.
Harry, I am afraid I cannot allow you to leave the Dursleys this summer. If you have been following the Daily Prophet recently, you will be aware that Voldemort is now making his presence known. I fear that you would be in danger if you left your aunt’s family.
If you are wondering who else is aware of the prophecy, none of the Order know its full contents apart from myself. If you wish anyone else to know, then it is entirely YOUR choice.
After the mistakes made last year, I have decided that you are entitled to know what is going on. One of the reasons I have used Fawkes to deliver this letter is that it would be very hard for anyone to intercept a letter sent via Fawkes, as he is not prone to attack as other birds are. I can therefore tell you that there is little to report about Voldemort’s movements other than what is already in the Daily Prophet. However, the Order are very concerned at the moment, as Fudge has decided to move several major Ministry departments to a secret, secure location. Our sources tell us that there are several moles within the Ministry, and the arrangements Fudge is making look as though they could be very advantageous in the wrong hands. It is hard to say more without being certain, as we are unsure as to Death Eater numbers at the moment. There may be no real risk at all, but I must echo Alastor Moody in his advice of ’constant vigilance.’
Harry, please do not blame yourself for the events at the Department of Mysteries. I fear I cannot say more without repeating what I said to you in my office, but I can assure you with the utmost certainty that Sirius would not want you be unhappy.
Professor Dumbledore
Harry momentarily felt as though he wanted to rip the letter up; he was so angry. He was stuck at the Dursleys, again. Stuck with a family who detested him - a family who had never been a family to him. Stuck like Sirius, in a place he didn’t want to be. Dumbledore was choosing to tell him things far too late - after Sirius was dead and gone. ’I can assure you with the utmost certainty…’ How could he say that? How could Dumbledore possibly be certain about anything Sirius would have wanted? He was right - Harry didn’t want to speak to him ever again.
As he stood, clutching the letter with his knuckles turning white, Fawkes looked at him and made a soft crooning noise.
He was being unreasonable - he knew that. Dumbledore had made a mistake.
And that - that made him angry again. Dumbledore was not meant to make mistakes! How dare he make mistakes when the people Harry cared about depended on him being right? He was furious at Dumbledore for - for failing…
Fawkes looked at him with huge golden-brown eyes. The phoenix seemed somehow sympathetic, but there was something else about his eyes that reminded Harry too much of his master.
Harry looked away and scribbled a quick note.
Dear Professor Dumbledore,
Thanks.
Harry Potter
He could not put all he wanted to say into words without being rude, and he thought that Dumbledore would know better than to take ’thanks’ literally. He could not bring himself to say anymore, so he sent Fawkes off back to his master with a note that he knew would hurt him. It did not make him feel any better, but all his reserves of guilt were currently being spent on Sirius, and he did not spare any for Dumbledore.
He loaded up Hedwig with the less-than-satisfactory replies to everyone else and watched her fly away into the pale sky. His scar was prickling.
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